Kitten Mauls Opposition

Another classic ‘Bowling for Booze’ took place in Edinburgh last weekend.

The field of eight, which included all past champions, was hailed the strongest for years.

Game 1: Flying out of the traps in fine form came Mark ‘Balls of Fury’ and Cool Hand Kelly, which raised the question ‘had they been putting in some winter training?’ The Bear, (reigning two-time champ) looked very out of sorts, whilst the rest tried to find their feet. Balls of Fury took a commanding 19pt lead (137pts) ahead of Cool Hand, with Kitten lurking a further 5pts behind. The field, another 32pts off the pace appeared to be fucked at this point, which they were, with Barclay destroying the lowest score ever, a 51 pointer, yes that’s 51pts, that’s what a baby would score!


Game 2: Alcopops kicking in! Cool Hand’s stylish ball toss now resembled a wounded octopus in its final throes. Balls of Fury seemed to be having trouble finding the ‘pressure release button’ for his gaseous belly (what a most extraordinary sight that was). Tullminator had resorted to using the children’s ramp, whilst Kingpin Keillor and The Wallace wondered how the hell they’d won the competition before, and ‘The Bear’ hit a miraculous backwards strike, a rare highlight for him. The Kitten purred, almost unnoticed, in the background.

The following is an age old story, told many times in bowling alleys and on golf courses around the World.

“Mark ‘Balls of Fury’ Webster, the leader from start to finish (almost), has the trophy in his sweaty clutches!!! Oh shit................what the ...............but no...............bottled it.....................again..................not again...........taxi!!!”

Final end, a few more skittles required, alas not to be.

Kitten Chisholm crowned 2008 Bowling for Booze Champion.

Kitten:113-100 =213
Webbie: 137-72 =209
Wallace:81-111 =192
Kelly: 118-68 =186
Tull: 81-97 =178
Bear: 71-94 =165
Kingpin: 62-68 =130
Barclay: 51-71 =122

Bowling For Booze 2008

Bowling for Booze 2008 is to be held on Saturday 13th December, in Edinburgh.

Competitors will congregate at 'The Bailey' for Christmas Luncheon, before battle commences.

This year, the standard 2 game competition shall be increased to 3 games, to include an additional virtual cyber game ie. game 1 to be played on the Wii (to be hosted by Mark 'Balls of Fury' Webster).

All extra curricular activities are being organised by 'Balls Of Fury' & 'The Bonnie Tiler'. See them for info.

All Change for Lola 2009

During the fallout of this year’s competition a Committee Meeting was held, and it was decided that next year’s championship would adopt the Stableford Points Format.

Various factors contributed to this decision, the main ones being; a quicker playing pace and more enjoyment for those unable to hit a golf ball, hopefully.

The only downside to this switch from strokeplay to Stableford (if permanently adopted), would be a sad farewell to such wondrous moments as Cam’s opening hole of Lola 2008, Kitten’s Nevadan Desert Blowout, and Richie’s record breaking opener last year!


Dr Frank Stableford - Creator of Stableford Points Format

Below is an example of what would have happened, had this year’s Lola been Stableford.

Actual Positions followed by Stableford Points

1st Al 99pts =
2nd Egg 95pts =
3rd Kitten 89pts (4th)
4th Ben P 84pts (6th)
5th Wallace 90pts (3rd)
6th BoyAndy 85pts (5th)
7th Bear Bain 83pts =
8th Tullminator 71pts =
9th Matt 69pts =
10th Cool Hand 65pts =

There is also the possibility of re-formatting the existing handicap system slightly (to accommodate unknown quantities/bandits) and increasing the maximum allowable h’cap to +36. To be discussed.

Kitten Magic!

A lovely chip shot by Kitten Chisholm on the 18th green at Golf Club Esery, in the final round of Lola 2008.

A putt for par secured 3rd spot for the handsome, young Scottish star.

Lola 2008 - Chamonix - The Story

The Scottish contingent’s preparations began with certain predictability before the opening day of this year’s Lola.

Beers in Edinburgh Airport at 8.30am, followed by another 14 hours of drinking and a late night casino session, seemed at the time like the perfect introduction for the following day’s opening round!

Round 1 – Golf & Country Club de Bossey

Controversial tactics from the Chamonix Competitors brought immediate unrest within the visiting party, as the hometown boys turned up looking buoyant, fresh faced and with an air of relaxation in their familiar surroundings.

After an extraordinary opening two holes of golf the defending champion had carded a 10 (par4) and 12 (par5)! The other Jocks faired not much better; Wallace 7,9 – Tullminator 5,12 – Kitten 6,8 – Stevo 4,8,7,9,7........ An average of 8.2 strokes per hole per man!

The Cham Boys got off to a more solid start, with Al ‘as seen on Channel4’ Johnston and Egg setting the pace.

The impressive surroundings did little to inspire 2005 Champ ‘The Wallace’ as he struggled to find any sort of form over the opening holes. Concern grew for the chap’s sanity when he hit back to back 9’s, discarded his socks and shoes, and continued to play barefoot. A hasty call was made to the clubhouse and a pair of more comfortable shoes was duly delivered to the course. Then upon leaving his sand iron behind in a bunker, another call to the clubhouse was made, and another minion sent out to retrieve and deliver. He finally got his shit together after an outward 60! The satisfaction of avoiding any delivery charges/tippage clearly played a big part in turning his game around.

Wallace: “They’re on a f*cking wage aren’t they!”

Day one finished with Alastair ‘as seen on Channel4’ Johnston ahead by 3 & 4 strokes from Egg & Kitten respectively. Whilst, Wallace kept ‘Cool Hand’ Kelly company for the Spoon.


Round 2 – Evian Masters Golf Club

Following a night of 44C degree hot-tubbing, cheese fondue and Yankee glass hurling, the Jocks entered the Evian gladiatorial arena like an ‘Army of Constipated Lobsters’.

Day two got off to an unusual start, with competitors having to avoid having their tee shots swiped by French ‘ball-gathering’ Gypsies on the opening holes.

Kitten: “I’ve never had to hit a pitching wedge from the pocket of a Frenchman before."

Al ‘as seen on Channel4’ Johnston strengthened his opening round foundations by extending his lead to 7 shots, from Egg and the field. The main pack remained nicely bunched whilst, Matt (who the f*ck is Matt) edged closer to the spoon along with The Bear & Cool Hand. Lowest gross was an 84 from a revived Wallace.

Round 3 – Golf Club Esery

Fatigue thankfully played a part in the Jocks having an earlier night, which was reflected in next day’s scores overall, and the beautiful Golf Club Esery was hailed as a fitting venue for the finale.

The leading group, comprising of Al, Egg, Kitten & American Ben, all started fairly steadily and after 7 holes the group was covered by just 7 shots.

Al ‘as seen on Channel4’Johnston appeared briefly to be faltering as Egg came onto form, getting to within one shot at the turn. Sadly, the realisation of a door opening, together with Johnston steadying the ship, was enough to heat up and then boil the Egg.

Kitten pipped Ben for 3rd, Wallace shot another low round of 84 (and rued his bizarre behaviour on day 1), Boy Andy took 6th from Cam and Tullminator, and Cool Hand took the Spoon from Matt (whoever the f*ck he is)!

Alastair ‘as seen on Channel4’ Johnston was the deserved winner, carding three solid rounds of golf and was crowned Lola Champion 2008. At 57 Alastair becomes the oldest winner of the Lola Trophy.

Splendid transport, accommodation and eateries organised by Boy Andy and the Cham Boys, fun had by all.

Al ‘ASOCH4’Jonhnston: 225
Egg: +5 (strokes behind winner)
Kitten: +13
US Ben: +15
Wallace: +18
Boy Andy: +28
Bear Bain: +31
Tullminator: +32
Matt ‘WTFIM’: +35
Cool Hand Kelly: +42


Cool Hand Kelly - 2008 Lola Chump

Lola Champion 2008

Alastair 'as seen on Channel4' Johnston with the trophy at Golf Club Esery.

Congratulations!

The Bear Begins Defence of His Crown

The defending champion hits the opening shot of Lola 2008 at the Golf & Country Club de Bossey, France.

Things didn't get much better for the two-time winner, as he floundered through a further 53 holes of golf, and finished a lowly 7th.

He also took an almighty battering at Casino du Chamonix.

Another Cheating Bastard - Lola 2008 on the Verge of Total Meltdown

‘Cool Hand’ Kelly was today confirmed as the 2nd BGS member to be caught having ‘Golf Lessons’ in the run up to next week’s competition.

Under the circumstances an Extraordinary General Meeting has been arranged for 7.30pm 16th September, The Hot Tub, Chamonix.

Reigning Champion ‘The Bear’ commented: “What a desperate chump! I’d heard he bought some dodgy clubs off the internet as well, a wedge for £7.50 and new driver for £15, which he dented with the first strike of a ball. Either the oil industry doesn’t pay as well or he’s been munching too many disco biscuits.”

Former Champion Accused of Cheating

With just over a week to go, The Lola 2008 has been thrown into turmoil after accusations of skullduggery and slander were directed at 2005 Champion ‘The Wallace’.

Reliably sourced information was leaked to the BGS Office over the weekend, stating that the aforementioned had been overheard in an Edinburgh boozer, bragging about how he was ‘off to Chamonix in a couple of weeks’, and was going to ‘stuff the competition good and proper’. Such was his bravado that he freely admitted to having “booked multiple ‘one on one’ professional swing training sessions”.

Fragmented comments were also heard being directed towards certain individuals within the BGS, some of which included; ‘bunch of muppets’, ‘bushwhackers’ and ‘butt junkies’.

Whilst the BGS regards itself as an open and free thinking organisation, it does however take a dim view on ‘golf lessons’, and deems such behaviour as a serious infringement on the entire integrity of The Lola.

BGS member Kitten said “I have checked the Lola Golf Rules 27.4 under ‘Behaviour of a Gentleman’ - sub-heading ‘Being a Twat!’ and it states very clearly: All Lola Competitors shall use ONLY those physical and mental attributes born unto them, together with whatever concoction of alcohol and drugs they see fit. Outside golfing influences, (other than the dispersal of alcohol & drugs by others) shall not be permitted, this includes; sports psychologists, golf instructors, God and Eileen Drewery. Any infringement of this rule will be dealt with by the Committee.

The Tullminator added: “I heard that he’d gagged his wife, what sort of sick world does he live in?”

A sad day for the Lola.

Handicaps for Lola 2008

Official Handicaps for Confirmed Competitors

Tullminator +5
Following his remarkable physical rejuvenation, all thanks to the mystical healing properties of the Rockness Tipi, the Lola is delighted to welcome back two-time Champ 'The Tullminator'. Who said the drugs don't work!

The Wallace +9
One of last years notable chokers, Wallace moves from +10 to +9, well done.

Bear +15
Even after back to back wins the Bear's h'cap can't be budged, (3rd year in a row) will he do the honourable thing and dock himself? Will he F**K!

Kitten +20
Following another dreary competition Mr Mediocre drops from +18 to +20, hurrah!

Chokey Webster +20
He led from holes 1-17 on the final day of 2007 only to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, will he go one better this year and physically shit himself on the 18th green? No change in his h'cap.

Ben Twinkletoes +20
With only last years comp to go on, Twinkletoes's h'cap has been set the same as Kitten & Chokey, as their scores were all comparable. How does he stand up on those feet?

Boy Andy +25
With similarities to a Premiership football team, garlic-munching Boy Andy takes on the role of token Englishman in the make-up of Lola 2008, welcome back. Nb Is his golf still as awful as it was in 2003? H'cap open for adjustment if improved.

Sir Groutalot +28
Having priced himself out of the Oil Industry, the Bonnie Tiler has made himself available for 2008. Ladies h'caps are still not allowed in the Lola, so +28 it is!

Chamonix Beats Off Rivals - Lola 2008

The French town of Chamonix has been successful in its bid to host Lola 2008, seeing off rival bids from Spain, Sweden and Helmand Province.










On hearing the news BGS member Kitten commented “What the f**k happened to Ibiza for f**k’s sake, f**king Walla.......... there'd better be some f**king foam!”

Lola 2008 will be played on 16-21 September in conjunction with Ryder Cup 2008. The golfing Gods will have much to survey.

Courses and tee times have yet to be finalised but the likely venues will be GC Esery, Golf & Country Club de Bossey and Evian Royal Resort.

And with a unique twist, this year’s competition will conclude on the Friday allowing for a Ryder Cup style Tournament on the Saturday, in which the Jocks will take on the Rest of the World at Golf Club de Chamonix.

NB
A full list of competitors and handicaps will follow shortly.