Lola 2008 - Chamonix - The Story

The Scottish contingent’s preparations began with certain predictability before the opening day of this year’s Lola.

Beers in Edinburgh Airport at 8.30am, followed by another 14 hours of drinking and a late night casino session, seemed at the time like the perfect introduction for the following day’s opening round!

Round 1 – Golf & Country Club de Bossey

Controversial tactics from the Chamonix Competitors brought immediate unrest within the visiting party, as the hometown boys turned up looking buoyant, fresh faced and with an air of relaxation in their familiar surroundings.

After an extraordinary opening two holes of golf the defending champion had carded a 10 (par4) and 12 (par5)! The other Jocks faired not much better; Wallace 7,9 – Tullminator 5,12 – Kitten 6,8 – Stevo 4,8,7,9,7........ An average of 8.2 strokes per hole per man!

The Cham Boys got off to a more solid start, with Al ‘as seen on Channel4’ Johnston and Egg setting the pace.

The impressive surroundings did little to inspire 2005 Champ ‘The Wallace’ as he struggled to find any sort of form over the opening holes. Concern grew for the chap’s sanity when he hit back to back 9’s, discarded his socks and shoes, and continued to play barefoot. A hasty call was made to the clubhouse and a pair of more comfortable shoes was duly delivered to the course. Then upon leaving his sand iron behind in a bunker, another call to the clubhouse was made, and another minion sent out to retrieve and deliver. He finally got his shit together after an outward 60! The satisfaction of avoiding any delivery charges/tippage clearly played a big part in turning his game around.

Wallace: “They’re on a f*cking wage aren’t they!”

Day one finished with Alastair ‘as seen on Channel4’ Johnston ahead by 3 & 4 strokes from Egg & Kitten respectively. Whilst, Wallace kept ‘Cool Hand’ Kelly company for the Spoon.


Round 2 – Evian Masters Golf Club

Following a night of 44C degree hot-tubbing, cheese fondue and Yankee glass hurling, the Jocks entered the Evian gladiatorial arena like an ‘Army of Constipated Lobsters’.

Day two got off to an unusual start, with competitors having to avoid having their tee shots swiped by French ‘ball-gathering’ Gypsies on the opening holes.

Kitten: “I’ve never had to hit a pitching wedge from the pocket of a Frenchman before."

Al ‘as seen on Channel4’ Johnston strengthened his opening round foundations by extending his lead to 7 shots, from Egg and the field. The main pack remained nicely bunched whilst, Matt (who the f*ck is Matt) edged closer to the spoon along with The Bear & Cool Hand. Lowest gross was an 84 from a revived Wallace.

Round 3 – Golf Club Esery

Fatigue thankfully played a part in the Jocks having an earlier night, which was reflected in next day’s scores overall, and the beautiful Golf Club Esery was hailed as a fitting venue for the finale.

The leading group, comprising of Al, Egg, Kitten & American Ben, all started fairly steadily and after 7 holes the group was covered by just 7 shots.

Al ‘as seen on Channel4’Johnston appeared briefly to be faltering as Egg came onto form, getting to within one shot at the turn. Sadly, the realisation of a door opening, together with Johnston steadying the ship, was enough to heat up and then boil the Egg.

Kitten pipped Ben for 3rd, Wallace shot another low round of 84 (and rued his bizarre behaviour on day 1), Boy Andy took 6th from Cam and Tullminator, and Cool Hand took the Spoon from Matt (whoever the f*ck he is)!

Alastair ‘as seen on Channel4’ Johnston was the deserved winner, carding three solid rounds of golf and was crowned Lola Champion 2008. At 57 Alastair becomes the oldest winner of the Lola Trophy.

Splendid transport, accommodation and eateries organised by Boy Andy and the Cham Boys, fun had by all.

Al ‘ASOCH4’Jonhnston: 225
Egg: +5 (strokes behind winner)
Kitten: +13
US Ben: +15
Wallace: +18
Boy Andy: +28
Bear Bain: +31
Tullminator: +32
Matt ‘WTFIM’: +35
Cool Hand Kelly: +42


Cool Hand Kelly - 2008 Lola Chump

Lola Champion 2008

Alastair 'as seen on Channel4' Johnston with the trophy at Golf Club Esery.

Congratulations!

The Bear Begins Defence of His Crown

The defending champion hits the opening shot of Lola 2008 at the Golf & Country Club de Bossey, France.

Things didn't get much better for the two-time winner, as he floundered through a further 53 holes of golf, and finished a lowly 7th.

He also took an almighty battering at Casino du Chamonix.

Another Cheating Bastard - Lola 2008 on the Verge of Total Meltdown

‘Cool Hand’ Kelly was today confirmed as the 2nd BGS member to be caught having ‘Golf Lessons’ in the run up to next week’s competition.

Under the circumstances an Extraordinary General Meeting has been arranged for 7.30pm 16th September, The Hot Tub, Chamonix.

Reigning Champion ‘The Bear’ commented: “What a desperate chump! I’d heard he bought some dodgy clubs off the internet as well, a wedge for £7.50 and new driver for £15, which he dented with the first strike of a ball. Either the oil industry doesn’t pay as well or he’s been munching too many disco biscuits.”

Former Champion Accused of Cheating

With just over a week to go, The Lola 2008 has been thrown into turmoil after accusations of skullduggery and slander were directed at 2005 Champion ‘The Wallace’.

Reliably sourced information was leaked to the BGS Office over the weekend, stating that the aforementioned had been overheard in an Edinburgh boozer, bragging about how he was ‘off to Chamonix in a couple of weeks’, and was going to ‘stuff the competition good and proper’. Such was his bravado that he freely admitted to having “booked multiple ‘one on one’ professional swing training sessions”.

Fragmented comments were also heard being directed towards certain individuals within the BGS, some of which included; ‘bunch of muppets’, ‘bushwhackers’ and ‘butt junkies’.

Whilst the BGS regards itself as an open and free thinking organisation, it does however take a dim view on ‘golf lessons’, and deems such behaviour as a serious infringement on the entire integrity of The Lola.

BGS member Kitten said “I have checked the Lola Golf Rules 27.4 under ‘Behaviour of a Gentleman’ - sub-heading ‘Being a Twat!’ and it states very clearly: All Lola Competitors shall use ONLY those physical and mental attributes born unto them, together with whatever concoction of alcohol and drugs they see fit. Outside golfing influences, (other than the dispersal of alcohol & drugs by others) shall not be permitted, this includes; sports psychologists, golf instructors, God and Eileen Drewery. Any infringement of this rule will be dealt with by the Committee.

The Tullminator added: “I heard that he’d gagged his wife, what sort of sick world does he live in?”

A sad day for the Lola.